Bertie St.Roker: Present company aside, who in your opinion is the epitome of
louche?
Boris Johnson: Louche? Kind of like Jean-Paul Belmondo or Alan
Clark? Ann Widdecombe, obviously. Completely louche. I can see her break dancing
away across Parliament Square, a couple of bottles of Chateau Margaux under each
arm. Definitely louche.
BSR: As a man of style and taste, what is the final word on the greatest sartorial
conundrum of our time - should the collars of a polo shirt be worn up or down?
BJ: Right. Do you mean up like chaps you drive past in Richmond?
Um, well it’s all well and good, but if you have one of these pockets I think
down. You don’t want stuff found. Should be down.
BSR: In the Pantheon of Heroes - Reed, Burton, Niven, O’Toole, McQueen,
Hunt, Lawrence, Flynn, Cook – only you and Evel Kneivel are still alive. To
what do you attribute your enduring rude good health?
BJ: Is Evel Knievel still alive?
Hampton St.Roker: Yes, he’s 69, though half man half machine.
So he’s cheating really.
BJ: Good. Well I’m in robust good health. It’s, um….
alcohol (pauses a while for thought)…. and running.
HSR: At the same time?
BJ: Yes. Alcohol and constant exercise of one form or another.
BSR: With honours for cash on the way out, does this open the door for honours
to be awarded based on less fiscal measures, such as style, dash, and good chat
up technique?
BJ: So if not honours for cash, should you be rewarded more for…um…good
question.
BSR: More like honours for panache.
BJ: I think, you know, good chat up technique is a reward in itself
isn’t it? Anything more is just greedy. It would just make everybody else
feel worse.
BSR: Can you remember the first time you wore black tie, and
where you lost it?
BJ: I lost what? The black tie? I remember it was some ghastly
job. The Blizzard Ball? The Feathers Ball? One of those charity balls that teenagers
used to go to when I was at school. It was ghastly beyond belief. Did I lose my
tie?
HSR: They usually have a shelf life of about one ball, as you keep
untying it to shame the clip on wearers until you lose it somewhere.
BJ: That’s right, that’s right. Can’t remember.
BSR: Mr Brown steadfastly refuses to wear black tie even for HRH. What
should aspiring lounge lizards make of this?
BJ: What do I think of Mr Brown? Hmmm, I think he’s an insult
to, um… didn’t he wear white tie the other day? (Discussion ensues
where we come to the conclusion that he didn’t, but said he might in future).
Right, what we do is organise a big party for Gordon Brown and put black tie on
the invite.
BSR: Invite Brenda and Phil the Greek?
BJ: Invite absolutely everybody. Then we make him the only guy
in black tie. What should aspiring lounge lizards make of this? I think they should
ignore him. They should treat this pathetic gesture with the contempt that it deserves,
and they should remember that this is the guy who took the crown off the Treasury
letter paper and now he wants everybody to feel more British. What could be more
British than wearing black tie? On every possible occasion. I think we should bring
back black tie for newsreaders, and I think that if the Bluewater Shopping Centre
wants to decree that black tie is mandatory dress code for people shopping then
it’s the way forward.
HSR: Better policies for a better Britain.
BJ: I should put a dress code in for Henley (where Boris is MP)
too. Stop all the rowdies from Reading getting in.
BSR: Dress Down Friday in the office is a sartorial minefield which helps no
one. Would we be better off with a Dressing Gown Friday, where we stay in bed all
day and read a good book instead?
BJ: (He first referred us to his recent Daily Telegraph article
where he eschews working in the ‘stupor of your domestic surroundings’
in favour of going into the office, because ‘like baboons, we go there to
groom and to socialise’ – mainly as an excuse to quite correctly pick
holes in the current transport policy. He then went off on a tangent…) Do
you sell dressing gowns?
HSR: No.
BJ: I don’t even believe in pyjamas. Do you sell them?
HSR: No.
BJ: They’re rubbish. Very suspicious things. I’m deeply
suspicious of pyjamas.
BSR: Your former House Captain informs us that you preferred Association Football
to Rugby at school? Please defend yourself.
BJ: Completely untrue, complete bollocks. I was extremely good
at rugby.
BSR: That tackle on the Hun in the celebrity football was magnificent.
BJ: It was, yes. I can’t really play football, but I was
in the 1st XV for rugby.
BSR: Speaking of sportsmen, they are notoriously superstitious and will often
only put their kit on in a certain order. As an athlete of some renown, do you have
a set regime for getting ready?
BJ: A very interesting question. Before every match I used to polish
my boots in an obsessive South African sort of way, rub them and pray. I used mutter
imprecations as I sat buffing them up to get ready for the match.
BSR: You have a sideline as a motoring journalist. What car should we aspire
to get pulled over in?
BJ: The best car to get pulled over in is one of those new Lamborghinis
that I drove to Manchester in. What are they called? Gallardo. Great machine.
BSR: If we join the Euro, what are the implications for the retail chain Poundland,
where everything currently costs a pound?
BJ: Well exactly! And what about the Labour MP Stephen Pound? He’d
have to change his name by deed poll to Stephen Euro or he’d cease to be legal
tender, and we’d have to get rid of him.
BSR: What is the best piece of advice you can give to young men and women looking
to get on in the world, earn a ton of cash, and possibly become its leader ?
BJ: I think just the usual stuff, guts and determination.
BSR: Who would be better in a fight, Princess Leia or Queen Padmé?
BJ: Brilliant question. Of course isn’t Princess Leia…er…
HSR: Her daughter.
BJ: That’s right, the daughter of Padmé Amidala.
BSR: It’s hypothetical.
BJ: No, it’s not hypothetical. Personally I’d be rooting
for Padmé, but I think Leia would win - she’s a stroppy cow.
BSR: Is there any situation that cannot be improved by a strong Gin & Tonic?
BJ: I don’t think so. Do you like gin & tonic?
HSR: Yes, I’ve been getting ginned up quite a lot recently,
but it has to be the right gin.
BJ: Is that true? (There followed a lengthy conversation on the
merits of different brands of gin. BJ was left enlightened). Do you drink it with
tonic?
HSR: Only a little bit.
BJ: I just drink beer and wine mostly. I’m terrible on spirits
but wine I love.
BSR: What advice would you give to people who, though blessed with a searing
intelligence, great mental acuity, instant recall of facts, and fabulous hair, are
not always taken entirely seriously?
BJ: Don’t give up.
And with that the samosa was finished, we were wished good luck, assured we would
be huge, and wandered outside with the nagging doubt that having been granted a
private moment with the future Mayor of London and a front bench MP, we really should
have asked a few more questions about Star Wars.
If there is demand, and we can edit out the sound of Boris eating, we’ll put
the actual recording up sometime or other as well.
Huge lovely thanks to Wayne Lawley for setting this clash of the Titans. Top bloke.
This interview, its contents, sentiments, and anything else to do with it are copyrighted,
are the sole property of St.Roker Limited, and cannot be reproduced (even in part)
without our permission, plugging this website very heavily indeed, and probably
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